(Daily Vibes) Communicating effectively in a relationship is one of the most powerful ways that couples can strengthen their bond. Marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman can determine, with 90% accuracy, whether or not a relationship will eventually fall apart. A part of his analysis includes listening closely to a couple’s communication.
Here are the four most dangerous types of communication that Gottman warns will destroy your relationship:
There is a huge difference between giving your partner loving feedback and attacking their character. When you criticize your partner, you are identifying their faults to make them feel bad about themselves. Be careful not to harmfully judge your partner in ways that belittle them or make them feel inferior to you.
Instead, give them compliments and focus on their strengths. When you speak in terms of their weaknesses, frame them in a positive manner. Talk about how their actions affect you, and give suggestions with humility and love.
If you are name calling, insulting, mocking or ridiculing your partner, you are verbally abusing them and showing contempt. Stop it now.Being mean and rude to your partner is disrespectful and extremely harmful.
They don’t deserve it, and neither do you. Even if you are “just joking”, it is hostile humor and should be avoided at all costs. Always treat your partner with respect. Be kind, considerate, and loving.
When there is a problem, don’t constantly place the blame on your partner. Don’t always play the victim. If you never take responsibility for your actions, and constantly make your partner the “bad guy”, you are destructively defensive.
Doing this invalidates their feelings, and it is controlling and manipulative. If you are defensive, you are constantly looking for excuses, instead of admitting you are wrong. Making a mistake is a learning opportunity. Admit you were wrong, apologize and move forward.
Saying nothing can be just as harmful as saying something. “Stonewalling” is when the listener completely shuts off from the conversation. They may ignore their partner or even leave the room completely. They close off, tune out, act busy, and turn away. When your partner is upset, don’t give them the silent treatment. It’s another form of disrespect. Instead, listen carefully to them without interruption. Ignoring the situation never helps solve a problem.
No matter how angry and upset you may be, always communicate with love. Communicating in a healthy, productive way is much more effective than trying to manipulate one another with your words and actions. Choose to respect your partner in the way that you talk and respond to them.
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