Badgalbash | It will be amazing at first. A rush of emotions, a sense of peace and satisfaction – all at the same time. They will give you a feeling that no one else could so far. All your senses will come to life. Your soul will feel alive again – like a little kid again seeing the world for the first time.
For the first time in a very long time, you will feel whole. You’ll feel like life makes sense again.
But before you know what is happening, it will happen all at once – that other facet of their personality, the one that almost broke you, it will show up. It will always show up. It will leave you confused, burnt, and worst of all, worst of all it will make you feel trapped, angry at yourself for allowing this to happen again. You never, ever have to feel like that.
Please, don’t forget about all the nights you cried till you had no tears left. Don’t ever forget about why you broke up. Don’t forget about how they spun you around in their toxicity and drowned you in all their issues.
Don’t ever forget about that pain, that excruciating pain they caused that left you so torn that you felt helpless. Don’t ever forget that someone who cares about, loves you, will never ever do anything to hurt you. And say they do love you, say they do care, then that is even worse. That means they will always love themselves more. That means that they still haven’t worked out their issues and until they have, you will always be their emotional punching bag.
They will always use you to feel good because you are amazing and strong and they know you love them so much – they know you will always take them back.
When they left, you knew somewhere in your heart that it was actually the most positive thing. You knew subconsciously that you were lucky that this person was no longer a part of your life because you opened yourself up for someone new, someone better, a more extraordinary love, someone who deserves you. Someone who always lifts you up, and not just on the days when they’re in a good mood, when it’s convenient for them.
You deserve someone who doesn’t give you internal conflicts. Someone who never leaves when things get hard, when life becomes complicated, when you’re lost and confused and aren’t sure of what to do next. Someone who never leaves when you get caught in the rain, someone who never gets swayed no matter how many people are trying to get their attention, because in their heart they know that what they have with you comes once in a lifetime.
I know you love them, and I know that they may have even lifted you up when you were doubting yourself. I know they were your best friend. I know that you told them all about your past, about all the people that hurt you. About all the things you did that you’re ashamed of, all the things you don’t like about yourself, all the things that make you, you – and they wiped away your tears and kissed those parts of yourself that you’ve never showed to anyone.
They loved your heart and this is why it’s so hard not to take them back. You had something special, and that connection will always be there. I know.
But I also know that they wanted things their way – that when you started to challenge them, that’s when the problems started. I know that after all was said and done, they left you broken. I know that you broke up for a reason. I know about all the pain they caused you, about all the lies and all the times you hated yourself for putting up with their toxicity.
So when they come back, and they will, please remember all of this. Because I promise you, when someone is selfish, when someone has destroyed you and your happiness once – they will always, always do it again.
Leave your life open for a love that you deserve – I promise you, it’s out there.
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Photo credit: Megan Hansen